Chinese Swimmers are Dirty Cheaters and I Know it

Every so often the guys at the Swim Brief need a break. In order to fill the gaps, they call in guest bloggers. To read the blog by Phelps Phan Ritchie MP Cummins, go here. This week's guest blogger hails from London, England. He is a renowned swimming journalist for the Daily Mirror. Please welcome Tom Duke. Ed note: The Swim Brief Authors are not responsible for any of this content.

You know, when I wake up in the morning and look at the world rankings, it boils my blood. The answer should be obvious to anyone that has a sliver of a brain: THE CHINESE.  

If you're not as mad as I am about this topic, then you have no idea what you are talking about. Did you know China has the top ranked man in the world in the 200, 400, 800 and 1500 free? How is that possible? Cheating, that's how. Where was he last year? Probably doping up to get ready for the World Championships in Shanghai this year.


You see, in 1994 the Chinese National team was caught with performance enhancing drugs. And then again in 1998. FINA (by the way why haven't you been answering my calls lately?) should have given them a lifetime ban. And by them I mean ALL OF CHINA.

The list goes on. The top two women in the world in the 200 fly are Chinese. I mean, are they serious? Could they make it more obvious that they are cheating? Their insistence on competing and swimming as fast as they can is an insult to a hard working member of her majesty's team, Ellen Gandy ranked third on 2:05.90.

I hope you will join on me in calling for FINA President Julio Maglione to call an extraordinary congress in the next few weeks. He must commission Jan Anders Manson to devise a test to show just how terribly the Chinese are cheating. I recommend possibly testing their skin for permeability. We could throw the athletes in the water one by one and if any water beads on their skin ban them immediately. Professor Manson's opinion in this matter is all the evidence we need to level the playing field.

Should FINA not choose to take the action above I will insist on undertaking my own world rankings without the Chinese included until such time that their stain on this august sport is washed away. My special "Swimmers who don't cheat" world rankings will be the only way to maintain the history of our sport in the face of this great menace.

You may wonder why I alone fight this battle for the good of the world. You wonder this because you are a complete and utter fool. I fight this because I am the greatest swimming journalist in the history of the world.

I HAVE TO GO NOW. IN THE MIDDLE OF TYPING MY WIFE BRUNHILDA BROKE MY KEYBOARD AND NOW I AM WRITING IN CALL CAPS. I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM BUT SHE INFORMS ME IT WILL SEEM LIKE I AM YELLING. AND I AM.