I just spent 3 days at the world's largest water park. I'm not exaggerating, it's the world's largest water park at 500,000 square feet. I went down 4,432 slides, jumped waves in the wave pool like I was Kelly Slater, had 6.3 million gallons of water splashed, sprayed and dumped on me. I don't even remember "The Hurricane" which shot me into a funnel with the same force it takes to launch the space shuttle and then spun me around the edge in nothing more than an inner tube while my bowels contracted and exploded. I spent 3 days with thousands of strangers wearing basically nothing. I saw things bouncing and dangling...I can't close my eyes to sleep... and from it all I give you the following:
"Lisa's 10 Water Park Commandments."
1. Unless you are Travis Barker or Henry Rollins don't tattoo your neck.
2. Don't fart in the lazy river.
3. Teenage girls....don't get felt up (or down) in a hot tub in America's largest water park. Save it for somewhere classy like the back of his 2001 Ford Escort.
4. Teenage guys, call her afterwards. You know you're lucky you got some. Don't be a shmuck.
5. If you're a parent please, please, PLEASE teach your kids how to swim. Cullen Jones can't be everywhere all the time.
6. You can't meet your toddler at the bottom of the slide and catch him/her while holding a Michelob Ultra in each hand. It's just basic physiology.
7. I don't care what Swim Viking says, don't pee in the pool. If you're Michael
Phelps you can pee in the pool. If you're some dude in an Illini hat, don't.
8. If you've got it, flaunt it. Or if you had it back in the day (like during the
Clinton Administration) but you don't have it anymore, cover it up.
9. You don't covent another man's wife or another woman's husband. You also don't covent another person's towels. Ever.
10.Except for the occasional glimpse of some guy's fruit bowl that you didn't want (or other similar events I won't describe here) be prepared to have the time of your life.
Meanwhile, I'm quite convinced all the world's problems could be fixed at the water park. Netanyahu and Hamas could battle it out at the super- soakers over at Cubby's Cove and then sit down to discuss terms over $8 12oz drafts at the Thirsty Buffalo Saloon. USA Swimming should hold a GP there. I think I saw a lap pool about 8M long. All they would have to do is remove the basketball hoops....we're talking about making swim meets fun, right? That would be fun. It's right by a bar, too. In fact, everything there is by a bar. After the 200 free we could all hang out at Tommy Knockers. We're building a sense of "community," right? Why hasn't anyone thought of this? I need Chuck's direct line. ASAP.
We're already planning on going back next year. I should have recovered by then. By the way, my skin's really, really dry. I don't know if it's from the chlorine or all the urine. Rebecca's guest blog talked about hair but what about dry skin? Does that Ultra Swim stuff really work? They sponsor a great GP but how's their product? If any of you swimmers have any suggestions what to do I appreciate it.
Team USA at a huge water park sounds like the best day ever! Now get yourself some cocoa butter for your poor skin. I'm sure it was a combination of high chlorine, crazy pH and sun exposure.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in college, I was kicked out of almost every single water slide at the Dells. Here is an example of one game we played:
ReplyDeleteGoing down the water slide, inside the tunnel, you would pass off your inner tube to the person behind you. Since there were four of us, the first person would go down the slide, then hide in the tunnel with his tube. The next person would come flying down, and you'd try to exchange tubes inside the tunnel.
The effect of this is that one person goes into the tunnel, and never comes out. Say if Joe goes into the tunnel, then Chris, then Jake, then Brian, then whomever.... Joe never comes out.
This freaked out most lifeguards to no end. Especially when that final tube would come sailing down sans a person.
In other words, we were really, really cool.
I just laughed out loud during my morning meeting. Honestly I can say most of these apply to Walt Disney world. The sights i saw were truly frightening. By far the worst’s were women wearing shirts that their 14-16 yr old daughter would wear, muffin tops are not good ladies- Buy shirts that fit. Then there were the skin heads, with the creepy tattoos all over their body. I really don’t want to look at Adolph Hitler while I am waiting in line to go on the Kali River Rapids at Animal Kingdom. I know freedom of speech but Seriously, it was bad.
ReplyDeleteRobin: Going to Target for cocoa butter. It sounds very 60's. Intrigued.
ReplyDeleteGus: That sounds very productive and wonderful. They'd kick your ass out so fast now your head would spin. What I want to know is why weren't you in the hot tub getting it on?
MissB: Hitler tattoos at The Happiest Place on Earth? That's incongruent.
Found a bottle of Coconut Oil on the sidewalk the other day. Does anyone know what Coconut Oil is used for?
ReplyDelete