The Secrets We Keep

A few weeks ago I went to my grandfathers funeral. Before you get too weepy, recognize two facts: first, my grandfather lived a long, productive life. He died at 94 and had only been retired for a couple years. The second thing  is that I barely knew him. On his funeral I counted the times I had met him: four. But this post isn't a eulogy to my grandfather. It's about what I discovered afterward at the airport with my parents. My grandfather had been secretly married. He had kept it a secret for six years and denied it on his death bed
The funeral got me thinking about how powerful the secrets we keep are. There has always been a vein in my family of people keeping secrets. From the outside- it seems patently ridiculous that he would keep such a secret. No one in the family would have thought less of him if he just told them. For whatever reason, he was embarrassed and took pains to avoid any discussion right up to his death.

The greatest problem facing the swimming community right now is undoubtedly sexual abuse by coaches. Secrecy has fed and continues to feed this problem. Everybody keeps secrets. Most do not go to the extremes my grandfather went. Coaches are keeping secret about what they've done. Their reasons are manifest- some may feel guilty but others simply don't think they've done anything wrong but know enough that others wouldn't agree.

Those aren't the really powerful secrets are. Sexual abuse is an insidious crime because it is so personal that it shames the victim. There is so much that compels victims to keep secret what has happened to them. I would venture to say that nearly everyone in the swimming community has heard whispers about a local coach and his inappropriate behavior. We'd all like to believe that if we had the first hand knowledge we would do the right thing. The sad fact is that we often don't.

While USA Swimming has made some changes in the last couple years in response to media pressure, I think they have to do far more. There must be a concerted effort to encourage swimmers, parents and coaches to break the silence. They are still far too concerned with making sure that no one blames them for what happened. Their energy should be committed to outreach and reconciliation. I would much rather see USA Swimming partnering with an actual victim of sex abuse in swimming than some stuffed shirt organization. This is just one example of how USA Swimming can tell victims that "we are fighting for you" and not "we are fighting to cover our own ass".