Tom Duke: Ban Cielo For Life!

The following is a Guest Blog from Tom Duke. For full bios of all our resident guest bloggers, click here.

First, my apologies for waiting so long to post. Brunhilda needed the computer to shop for a dress to wear to tea with the Higgenbotham's next week. It took forever. I told Brunhilda that I really needed to make an important post about Cesar Cielo but she wouldn't budge until she found just the write color for July. Let's get to the point: without a doubt Cesar Cielo should be banned for life. The main reason for the ban should be because I said so. Let's get into some of the secondary reasons.


Cielo failed a drug test at the recent Maria Lenk meet in Brazil alongside four other athletes. He tested positive for Furosemide. I have absolutely no idea what that means but anything that ends in ide, zol or tol must be something you use to cheat. I'm sure I don't need to remind you that way back 1994 I was the only writer in the world to stand up against the dirty, rotten cheating Chinese. But this is a new breed!

I have always been suspicious of Cielo's accomplishments. For one thing, he has swum faster than Alex Popov. Since it is not humanly possible to do so, he probably should have been suspended a long time ago. Somehow, he has passed drug tests over time, but I suspect he has been cheating his entire career. I mean, he wasn't even training with Gennadi Touretski or Jacco Verhaeren. BRETT HAWKE?? Don't even get me started.

Therefore, since Cielo's cheating has been pervasive throughout his entire career, FINA has only one choice: lifetime ban. Anything short of that would mean the entire sport would crumble down to it's foundation. Swimming as we know it would cease to exist within months and would trigger a worldwide financial crisis, bankrupting every person who has ever swum a lap.. These are the stakes, my friends.

Therefore, I call on FINA's Julio Maglione to answer the voicemails I have been leaving on his phone. Julio, these calls are not about that 18 year old Scotch I wanted you to try. This is serious business- you must take action against Cielo now to prevent utter calamity. Forbes Carlile just woke up from his nap and he completely agrees. So there!